Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
