I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
