Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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