How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so let's talk penis.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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