watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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