I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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