I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize
