uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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