I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
