hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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