break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
