I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
