You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
