Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
