you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
