If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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