I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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