Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
