My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
