She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize