we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
