you traded sex for a burrito?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
