I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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