Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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