i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You pole danced in your parka.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
