with your own penis?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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