In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
