Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
