Kiss
Puke
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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