Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
