why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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