oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
