I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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