she woke up with a sticky ear
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
