Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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