he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
