Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
