So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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