i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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