when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
