News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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