she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i need some magic done to my vagina
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
