Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
