I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
