Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
