I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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