Screwed.edu
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Is it penis luge time yet?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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