They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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