he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
