enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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