i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
